He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
