covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
