I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
