dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
