If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
