I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
