I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize