Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
