things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
