I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
