Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
