Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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