we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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