in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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