I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
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He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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