You can't motorboat a personality
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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