I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
