His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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