Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize