His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
jump out the window naked night went bad
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