i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
