Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
