I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
