the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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