worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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