You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
