she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
