I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
