just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
