Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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