I just saw a hot homeless man
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
