Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just puked most of my soul out..
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
