she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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