I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
