youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
