Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
