I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
