My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You need Xanax blowdarts
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
