i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
