I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
