i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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