dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
