Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
