a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
