dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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