omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
This is classic penis vs brain.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
