drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
