i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
