I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
