My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
