While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
