first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
