Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
