Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
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