The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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