apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
