I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
