I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
