I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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