Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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