I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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