That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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