Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
