First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
